The Joker and the Chocolate Factory
by Elodie the Scribe
Summary: Sequel to "Batman of Oz", although you may not have to read that one to understand this. The Joker opens a chocolate factory, gets five teens in there, and forces the other villains and me to be his 'assistants'.
1. While You Were Gone

_Yay, another parody! This time, I'm making fun of one of my favorite kid movies, **Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.** Somewhat like a sequel to "Batman of Oz". I don't own "TDK" or the movie mentioned above, but of course. Enjoy!_

* * *

**The Joker and the Chocolate Factory  
_While You Were Gone_**

* * *

"Oh, c'mon, they've got to have it somewhere..."

"Where'd you look?"

"Uh...the cookies and chips aisle, the snacks aisle..."

"Hmmm...this is Super Bi-lo. Surely they've got it?"

"You speak weird," a messy-haired girl sticks her tongue out at an adult man out of frustration.

The man rolls his eyes. "That's because, unlike you, I'M MATURE."

"Oh, yeah, right--"

A second man joins in. "I specifically remember it was you, Katfight, who woke all us up at six o' clock in the morning when you decided to see if you could fit inside your clothes hamper and started screaming once you couldn't get your butt out."

But Katfight only laughs. "Oh, yeah! I remember that. You guys had to take a knife and tear the hamper to shreds before I could be free. And then you guys and went and bought me a new one!"

"Only because you wouldn't stop whining," the first one growls.

Katfight rolls her eyes, but sighs, too. "I'm sorry, okay, Two Face? It's just--I want my Fritos. I can't live without 'em."

"Fine," Two Face grunts, running a hand over the healthy, human side of his face; the one that wasn't chared to near nonexistence by a chemical blast. "Scarecrow, you go look in the snacks aisle; I'm taking Katfight back to the cookies and chips."

Eventually, Katfight does find her precious Fritos, and she and the two men stuff all the groceries into the Batmobile and drive home.

Only to find it not exactly like they left it.

"I...what the...are those--pipes?" Two Face sputters, montioning to the smoking plant-like towers.

"And--and when was my house an enormous friggin' castle?!" Katfight wants to know.

The Scarecrow just blinks. "What did the Joker DO while we were gone?"

"Build a chocolate factory."

All four jump and whirl around to see the strangest of them staring at them through the large iron gates, a gleeful, somewhat manic smile on his face. They all quirk eyebrows when they realize he's also wearing a tall, black top hat.

"A chocolate factory?" Katfight blinks stupidly. "But wait. We were only gone for an hour. Are you saying you turned my house into an enormous, chocolate-spewing castle IN AN HOUR?!"

"I work fast," the Joker shrugs as he comes up to them. "Especially when I'm bored."

The Scarecrow cast Two Face an annoyed look. "I told you we should've brought him with us!"

"This isn't MY fault!" Two Face snaps, and Katfight recognizes the signs of a fight; there's been so many since the guys moved in with her.

"Cool it," she reprimands them, almost like a mom to two squirmishing little boys. "And you guys say you're mature."

"Come in, come in," the Joker says giddily. "The contest is about to begin."

All four stop dead. "CONTEST?"

"Well, yeah," the Joker gives them a look. "The contest for the grand prize?"

The others just exchange dumbfounded looks, then stare back at him blankly. He rolls his eyes. "Okay, look. I sent out five tickets into the world, hmm? Five different people recieved them. They're all to come to my factory, where I shall give them a tour; the one who--heh, lasts the longest--shall recieve the grand prize."

Katfight instantly becomes worried. Even if she and the guys are a close, if not dysfunctional, family now, she of course doesn't share their homicidal tendecies. "Uh, 'lasts the longest'? Joker..."

"Relax, Cyber-rat," the Joker giggles, and she rolls her eyes at his little nickname for her. "Trust me, these people will...fall...with only themselves to blame."

He pushes open the huge double doors leading into the factory, and lo and behold, five different teenagers stand there waiting for them.

"Hello, hello, hello!" the Joker greets them jovially, smiling so wide it looks as if the scars on his cheek may split. "WELCOME to my chocolate factory! I am your gracious host, the JOKER!"

All teens are quiet, four of them giving the Joker subtle looks of disgust. Katfight and the others bristle at these looks, but at the same time worry--they know what happens when the Joker sees one if afraid of his scars. But then one mousy young boy steps forward and gives a shy smile. "Hi, Mr. Joker, sir. I'm Charlie."

"Ah--yes! Charlie Buckett," the Joker nods. "You're, heh, you're lucky to be here, ain't ya?"

"Yes, sir," Charlie says before retreating.

The next one to step up is a thin blonde girl who is attractive in a strangely grotesque way--it seems that maybe her lips are too big for her face, the yellow of her hair too bright, or that her tiny little body can't seem to hold up her enormous boobs. She shoots the Joker with an arrogant smile. "Hi," she smirks, not bothering to shake his hand. "I'm Veruca Salt. Surely you MUST have heard of me? My father's head of the newspaper."

"Uh, right," the Joker cocks an eyebrow. None of the others know who the frick she is, either.

"And I'M Voilet Beauregard," steps in a gum-smacking girl who seems to have a man's body. "I'm the best gum chewer in the world. This one I've been chewing for five months!"

That's when a very rare expression comes over the Joker and the other villains' faces: absolute disgust.

A huge boy in a football jersey shoves Voilet away. "I'm Augustus Gloop," he says, right before letting out a huge belch. "I love your candy."

"Uh-uh," the Joker replies before turning sharply away to the last kid, a thin boy. "Aaah, YOU...you're the little devil who cracked the system, hmm?"

He flicks out his tongue to lick at his scars, and Katfight and the guys immediately recognize what they've come to dub "Joker-speak": it's obvious the Joker has a seething hatred for the kid before him, and rightfully so, somewhat; while the Joker from time to time likes yo terrorize girl scouts with a water house, plant cherry bombs in neighbors' chimneys, urinate on people from the top of the small town's rinky-dink theatre, or take two lit flashlights into one of the others' rooms and shout "TRUCK!", he NEVER cheats. As he oft states, he's a man of his word. Well, 99 percent of the time.

"These are my assistants," the Joker goes on, motioning to Katfight, Two Face, and the Scarecrow. "They'll accompany us on our little journey through our chocolate factory."

"But _Scrubs _is about to come on--"

The Joker gives Katfight another "Joker-speak": the look that clearly states 'Agree with me, or I'll blow you into tiny bits right now'. So she shuts up.

"So..." the Joker purrs, a very evil grin gracing his marred features. "Let the tour begin."


	2. Augustus's Downfall

_Whaddya know, you guys survived the first chapter...heh._

_So. Here...we...go!_

* * *

**The Joker and the Chocolate Factory  
_Augustus's Downfall_**

* * *

So, the Joker leads them all to a pair of double doors, the entrance to the factory.

The only problem is, they're only two inches high.

"Uh, Joker?" Katfight quirks an eyebrow. "We can't fit through that."

She thought he was insane, not stupid, but of course she knows better than to say that to his face.

Unfortunately, Veruca doesn't. "You're so stupid. How can I possibly win that prize thingy now?"

The Joker licks at his scars again, but he's still smiling. "Well, that's quite obvious, little girl. Ya push."

With that he shoves at the wall above the doors--revealing that the whole wall ARE the doors. All gasp when they see rolling, bright green hills smothered by loads upon loads of delicious looking candy.

"Oh--that's...are those strawberry gumdrops on that tree?" the Scarecrow murmurs, suddenly feeling VERY hungry.

"A-and those are lollipop bushes," Two Face sighs, remembering how much he loved lollipops as a kid.

"Oh...my...is that a chocolate RIVER?" Katfight squeaks, practically foaming at the mouth.

The two villains look down at her in horror. They once made the mistake of giving her a chocolate chip cookie right before leaving to see a movie in another town, and THAT had been a ninety minutes of sheer torture; not every girl can recite _Beauty and the Beast _quite like Katfight and then just grin when you scream at her for the millionth time to shut up.

In another terms, Katfight plus sugar equals PAIN.

"Lovely, isn't it?" the Joker cooes at their awed looks. "Go ahead, enjoy! Everything in this room is edible. In fact, I'M edible--but that, dear children, is called cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in some societies..."

Too late. Everyone rushes foreward--except Katfight, whom Two Face and the Scarecrow have already bound and gagged so they won't have to sit through another Disney musical or worse.

But after about five minutes of wet smacking and slurping noises, there's a roar similar to that of a rhino in heat, followed by a loud splash. All turned around to see that Augusus, the big idiot, has fallen into the chocolate river. "Oi!" the Joker yells, but he's giggling madly. "You can't--y'cant do that, kid! Yer mucking up my river!"

"Help!" Augustus cries, floundering in the thick hot cocoa. "I can't swim!"

Charlie snatches a lollipop and holds it out to him. "Here, Augustus, take this--"

But then there's a loud sucking noise, and the chocolate river recedes, carrying Augustus with it towards an enormous pipe.

"Ah, look at that," the Joker grins. "It's the pipe that carries my chocolate to the fudge room. Heh! Ain't that a coincidence?"

And before anyone can blink, Augustus is pulled under the chocolate only to reappear in the clear tube. He cries out as the force pushes him up, up, up, until he's trapped inside the canister atop the pipe. The Joker laughs and waves at the horrified look on Augustus's face in the window. "Bye-bye, Gloop. I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself in there, since ya LOVE chocolate so much!"

"Joker, we can't just let him drown like that," Two Face yelps.

The Joker pouts, then scowls, "Fine, then. Go to the Fudge Room and see if ya can't get him out."

"Uh, but where--?"

In a flash, a map is shoved into his hands. "Um--this is how to get to Ruby Tuesday's--"

"NO, IT'S NOT! It's a map of the factory. Go ahead. Find the Fudge Room!" the Joker grinds out before falling victim to another laughing fit.

"...okay," Two Face says, a bit disturbed, before wondering off to help the big idiot.

"All right, all right--I, I'm done," the Joker finally stops cackling after a few minutes, breathing heavily. "I'm done. N-now on to the next room..."

As they follow, Katfight can't help but smirk. "Seems he was right when he said these kids would bring about their own downfall. This tour should be interesting..."

No one else notices the subtle streak of chocolate on the corner of her lip, or the seed of madness in her eyes...

_Ha, I just HAD to have that 'cannibal' line in there, it's my favorite..._

_so, whaddya think? Huh? Huh? _


	3. Voilet's Swell Day

_And...here we are, third chapter. Yay!_

_Forgive the pun... :)_

_And for anyone who read _That Tough Girl_, I have a small surprise for you...anyone else, I think you'll like it, too...heh._

**

* * *

**

**The Joker and the Chocolate Factory  
**

**_Voilet's Swell Day_**

* * *

"That was FREAKY," Charlie whispers as Katfight passes him.

She looks over at him, and sees a facial expression she's gotten very used to by now: shock. Smiling pityingly, she says, "Would you like to hear a joke?"

He casts her a shy glance. "Sure."

"Okay! Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interupting cow."

"Interupti--?"

"MOO!"

Charlie sits there for a moment, startled, until he gives a bubbly laugh. "That's cute."

The Joker gives Katfight an annoyed look. "Where'd you learn that? You couldn't have possibly come up with a joke THAT good."

"A friend," Katfight smirks. "Although I did make up a different version..."

Looking back over at Charlie, she says, "Knock, knock."

"Who're there?"

"Interupting cow."

"Interu--?"

"Hi, I'm Paris Hilton!"

The two villains stare down at her in utter shock. "You...you just made a joke," the Scarecrow wheezes. "And it was FUNNY!"

Katfight shrugs, brushing past them. "Don't we a have tour to complete?"

"Wha-? OH! Oh. Right." The Joker gives Voilet an evil look. "Do you know what this machine is, little girl?"

Voilet casts a bored look over at the large, bubble-shaped...thingy. "No," she snaps.

"Well, I think you'll like it," the Joker purrs as he presses a button.

The machine rattles fiercely, making the others take a step back, until a piece of blueberry-flavored gum pops out from a slot on its side.

"Gum? That's IT?" Veruca sneers, but Voilet's eyes light up in interest and, putting the one she's chewing behind her ear, puts the other gum in her mouth.

Even though he is smirking, the Joker is able to create a mockingly concerned tone. "Little girl, that gum is still experimental. Spit it out."

"No! I'm going to be a champion, and no one can stop me!" Voilet spits out instead.

"Little girl--I'm not kidding," the Joker goes on, holding out a gloved hand. "You have no idea what--"

Voilet rolls her eyes. "Whatever!"

But by now, the rest have noticed something a bit...off. Mike gawks. "Dude, your nose is dark purple."

"I'm not a 'dude'!" Voilet sneers.

"But your nose IS purple," Katfight cuts in, unable to rip her gaze away.

The Scarecrow looks over at the Joker to see him wringing his hands expectantly. "What did you do?!"

"Me? I did nothing," the Joker replies, pulling an innocent puppy-dog face. "I told her to spit it out. She's the one who was disobedient."

The purple, by now, has creeped over the rest of Voilet's body and now, now she's beginning to...swell?

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" the Scarecrow yells a second time.

"It's just blueberry bubblegum!" the Joker cackles.

"...that turns you into a blueberry," Katfight murmurs as Voilet takes on the shape of a beach ball. "Clever."

"But...that...unedible," the Scarecrow moans, unable to speak any longer as she kneels over and procedes to barf all over the floor.

"Eeeeew!" everyone runs away from him.

"Since you're so concerned," the Joker sneers, "YOU can take her to the Jelly Room to get all that...juice...out of her."

The Scarecrow lets out a very high-pitched whimper before rolling the now screaming and very ticked off Voilet away with a map to Barnes & Noble in his hand.

"Funny," Charlie says, giving the Joker a close look. "It seems, so far, that every room here is to exploit a persons' flaws..."

"That was SO stupid," Veruca rolls her eyes. "It's just gum. But you wanna know what's even stupider? This letter!"

She whips out a piece of notebook paper. "I'm the advice columnist on my daddy's newspaper," she smiles arrogantly at the other's blank looks. "This is, like, one letter I recieved..."

"'Dear Veruca'--thaaaat's ME!" she laughs. "'Dear Veruca, my mom likes to make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the peanut butter on top and the jelly on the bottom. But here I sit with a sandwich with jelly on the top, and peanut butter on the bottom. What should I do? Sign, Starving'. And I was like, 'Oh, I don't know, maybe stinkin' TURN IT OVER!' "

All the others look at each other as they struggle to decide who's dumber, the person who wrote the letter of the blonde holding it.

"I swear," Veruca sighs as she tucks the letter back in her pants pocket. "Some people are just D-U-H-M, dumb."

Oh, yeah. The holder of the letter is definitely stupider.

_Ha HA! Who caught my "All That" reference? _

_Well, do ya like it? Do ya? _


	4. Veruca's Vanity

_Whoo, my FAVORITE part...Veruca will SUFFER._

* * *

**The Joker and the Chocolate Factory  
_Veruca's Vanity_**

* * *

"This is getting to be SO boring. When will I get that prize?" Veruca whines.

"Who says you're winning?" Mike sneers at her.

"Oh, please," Veruca rolls her eyes. "As if I'd lose to some...some crybaby emo boy and a street urchin."

"I'm not a street urchin," Charlie says softly, taken aback by her vicious tone.

"And I'm NOT a crybaby!" Mike yells. "That's a friggin' stereotype!"

"Ugh, no it's not--I've never heard of ANY steroes called 'Crybaby'," Veruca scowls.

"Yeah, 'cuz you're SO smart," Katfight mutters from beside the Joker. Then she shudders and says in a strangely accurate impersonation of a Ring Wraith, "Sssshe will _dieeeee_..."

The Joker notices the corners of her lips twitch as a small giggle escapes her and he stares. "Cyber-rat...did you have chocolate?"

"Huh? Uh, no, why ya ask?" Katfight smiles at him, giggling quietly like a demented hyena.

"Yep," the Joker groans. "You had chocolate."

"Okay, I'm back," Two Face says as he runs up. "Whoo! First I had to take a big stick and poke around in the chocolate until I found Augustus, and then I had to put tape over his mouth so he wouldn't eat himself..."

He looks over the group. "...what I miss?"

"Voilet became a giant blueberry," Katfight snorts before falling back into a fit of high-pitched snickers.

Two Face stiffens. "Oh, no. You've had chocolate."

"Really, the girl DID turn into a fruit--wouldn't spit out the gum when I told her," the Joker shrugs. "But yeah, Cyber-rat's had chocolate."

"But HOW? We bound and gagged her!"

"Yeah, but you left me only five feet from the chocolate river," Katfight smirks, fiddling with her hair and giving Two Face a strange look. "All I had to do was rub my face against the grass until the tape came off and dunk my head in. By the way, you have beautiful eyes..."

"Er...that's nice," Two Face whimpers, backing away from the now hyper girl.

"And heeeere's the nut room," the Joker cuts in, ushering all into a large circular room.

Veruca gasps and her eyes began to move back and forth inside her head like anime girls' do when they're happy. "Aw, look at all the squirelly-wuirellies!"

Yep--about two dozen squirrells fill up the room, positioned at clear tubes that spew nuts. "My nut testers," the Joker nods. "They see if a nut is bad or not."

"Don't care," Veruca sighs dreamily. "Want one now."

"Y'cant," the Joker tells her quietly but with a hint of menace. "They're not for sale."

"Who said I'd BUY one?" Veruca sneers. "Whatever! I'll get one myself."

"Little girl, that's a bad idea," the Joker says. "Don't do it. You'll be tragically harmed. Everyone will miss you."

Of course, he just stands there as he says all of that.

Veruca ignores him and enters the ring of squirrels. She grins at one that has a pretty copper coat. "I'll have YOU!"

But as she nears it, the squirrel whips around and stares at her with fierce, black eyes. Then before she can blink, it lets out a war cry and flings itself at her head. She shrieks as it scratches at her face and hair. All twenty-three other squirrels, excited by the smell of blood and fear, attack as well. Soon Veruca is writhing on the ground, smothered by a mass of screaming, clawing, deranged squirrels.

"Oh, did I forget to mention?" she hears the Joker's voice far off. "Those are also my rabid attack squirrels. Clever, no?"

Then, slowly, she feels the squirrels drag her across the floor. And suddenly she's sliding down, down, down into an enormous chute in the floor. "I WILL SUE YOUR BUTT OOOOOooooff--!" she yells.

"Joker...where does that chute lead to?" Two Face wants to know.

The Joker grins. "The incinerator."

"WHAT?!" all the others yelp at once.

"Don't worry," the Joker laughs it off. "I only lit on Tuesdays."

"Today IS Tuesday!" Mike shouts at him.

The Joker stops dead. "Oh. Uh...well, maybe I decided not to light it today."

"I'll get her," Two Face sighs. "Honestly, Joker, you and your attention span..."

"Hey, at least I'm not as bad as HER!" the Joker snaps, gesturing at Katfight.

She's too buy staring off into space, singing, "They tried to send me to rehab, but I said, 'No, no, no!'"

"Good point," Two Face rolls his eyes before entering the ring.

But, just like Veruca, Two Face is attacked by the oh so fuzzy squirrels. "Eek! My face! THEY'RE EATING MY FACE!" he cries before falling down the chute.

After a few minutes of tense silence, they hear Two Face yell, "I think we're okay...the incinerator isn't on."

"I'm covered in garbage!" Veruca sobs then. "And I can feel something moving around in my HAIR!"

"Oh, that would just be the bats," the Joker replies.

"BATS?!" Veruca shrieks before panicing and screaming uncontrollably.

"Moving on!" the Joker chirps cheerfully, leading them all out of the room and away from Veruca's screeching.

"Hey, you can't LEAVE me here!" Two Face yelps.

"AAAAAH! The bats! They're eating me! They're eating me! They're eating m--"

BANG!

A pause.

"OW! You shot me in the arm! Why'd you shoot me in the arm, you motherf--"

BANG!

Silence.

_Mwuhahahahahahaha!_

_And seriously, my attention span IS that bad...I failed seventh grade math because I daydreamed the whole year._


	5. That Car Ride

_Well...I was bored...so I wrote this. Think of it as an intermission..._

* * *

**The Joker and the Chocolate Factory  
_That Car Ride_**

* * *

The Scarecrow, at the moment, is walking down a long, narrow corridor, fuming. Voilet had given him a lot of trouble; she'd complained the whole way to the Juicing Room, and then had left without so much as saying thank you.

At least she's blue now.

And, especially, at least it wasn't as bad as THAT car ride...the one where Katfight had had that chocolate chip cookie...

She, somehow, someway, convinced them to take her to see _Wall-E_. She also argued against going to their local theatre. "My family and I saw _Star Wars 3_ in the big theatre we're going to now," she told them. "But we loved it so much, we went and saw it at the local one, and it was AWFUL. When the words flashed on screen, it was not only backwards, but it was...um, what's a good word?...skipping. So it sounded like this."

She began to hum the _Star Wars_ theme then, but going, "Dununununununun..."

"We get it, Katfight," Two Face groaned. "Let's just go."

And then, the Scarecrow sealed their doom. "Have a cookie," he muttered, handing her that blasted chocolate chip cookie. "Anything to shut you up."

Their torture didn't start until after about fifteen minutes of riding. Katfight was looking out the window, giggling like mad, and following each car the drove past with her whole body like a dog.

"What's the matter with you?" the Scarecrow, who was driving, scowled. Her impression of a bus that refused to start--AKA her laugh--really grated on his nerves.

Katfight just grinned at him. "Choc-o-late makes me...weird."

All three villains cast each other horrified looks as they realized the terrible truth: Katfight was on a sugar rush. At the moment, the Scarecrow actually felt pity for the Joker, who had pulled the shortest straw and sat with Katfight in the back.

"I'm BORED," Katfight whined suddenly.

"So? Find something to do!" Two Face grumbled.

Silence.

Then: humming. Loud humming.

"Nananananananananana naaaa naaaa, nananananananananana naaaa naaaa..."

The Scarecrow looked up into the rearview mirror, staring at Katfight with total confusion until--

"Little town, it's a quiet village," she sang. "Little town, like the one before...little town, full of little people, waking up...to...saaaaay..."

Oh. No.

She'll stop in a minute. She'll stop in a minute. She'll st--

"Oooh, isn't this amazing, 'cause you'll seee...here's where she meets Prince Charming!...but she won't discover that it's HIM, to chap-ter THREEEEE!"

"KATFIGHT!" Two Face yelled suddenly. "I'm NOT in the mood!"

"Aw, what, you're menstruating or something?" Katfight growled at him, giving him an annoyed look.

Um, wow, the Scarecrow thought. She had never talked that way before. Must have been the sugar.

And then, twenty minutes later...

"Be...our...GUEST! Be our guest, na nana na nana naaaa..."

And later...

"Nana nana naaa naaa...nana nana naaa naaa! Tale as told as time...old as it can be..."

"Shut UP, Katfight!" the Scarecrow yelped for about the fortieth time.

"You're no fun!" she shouted back.

Right then, the Scarecrow realized two horrible things.

One: He was driving, so he couldn't turn around and whallop the annoying girl upside the head for being so...annoying.

Two: There was snoring coming from the back seat. The Joker was curled up in an awkward position, fast asleep, muttering, "Blood...pretty blood...and ooh, Cheese Squeeze."

Lucky jerk.

How did he DO that?

Two Face himself was listening to the auto version of _The Shining_, meaning his ears were plugged.

Leaving the Scarecrow all alone to deal with Katfight.

Lucky. Freaking. JERKS.

And then--

"Kill the beast! BOOM! Kill the beast! BOOM! Kill the--"

The Scarecrow had been resisting the whole sixty minutes, but finally he couldn't take it. Bracing himself for the pain, he began to bang his head repeatedly on the steering wheel.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow...!"

He stopped when he realized that all the other drivers were giving him looks.

Eventually, mercifully, they arrived at the theatre. Giggling in sheer excitement, Katfight nudged the Joker's arm. "Dude, wake up."

He didn't.

But the Scarecrow grinned as he saw a large truck parked on the side of the road from a flat tire. "Shut up, Katfight."

Oh, yeah. It was time to get revenge on the Joker and Two Face, who was too engrossed in his book to notice anything, for abandoning him.

Driving towards the truck, the Scarecrow pressed the horn as loudly as possible and shouted, "OH MY GOD!"

The two other villains looked up, saw a truck barreling at them, and reacted exactly how the Scarecrow hoped they would.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The next twenty minutes was spent laughing so hard he could not possibly get air into his lungs, despite the blows to the head he recieved from the two enraged men.

But after the movie, the other two got revenge as well. "From now on, you're driving each time we take Katfight anywhere," the Joker smirked.

"What do you mean?" the Scarecow yipped. Yeah, he yipped.

"Oh, c'mon; don't tell me you don't remember what happened when HE drived," Two Face shuddered, motioning to the clown beside him.

The Scarecrow did remember. They'd been travelling to a local zoo when the Joker rolled the window down, told Two Face to hold his legs, and stuck nearly all of his upper body out said window to "feel the wind in his hair". The Scarecrow had screamed bloody murder and grabbed the steering wheel while Two Face had had to wrestle the Joker back into the car; Katfight, of course, had just sat there and cackled at the chaos--after having a mini panic attack herself.

"And I can't very well drive 'cause of...well," Two Face finished, motioning to his exposed eye. Without eyelashes or skin to protect it from the elements, it was very sensitive; it had been why Katfight had gotten him an eyepatch just a week ago.

"B-but...I..."

"NO buts," the Joker had mimicked a soccer mom.

And, of course, the Joker got his own personal revenge later that night when he snuck into the Scarecrow's room, lit two flashlights into his face, and yelled, "TRUCK!"

Scarecrow shudders at the awful memory. Oh well, he thinks as he enters a door labelled TV Room, where he can hear the others talking.

At least he knew Katfight hadn't had chocolate today.

_Oh, I loved writing this chapter... xD_

_Mike's fall, comin' up!_


	6. Mike's Little Problem

_MAN, I loved writing that last chapter...mwuhaha!_

_Anyway, here it is...getting very close to the end, we are..._

_(Hey...you know what thast last sentence just reminded me of?)_

_"Great relations with the wookies I have."_

_Hah!_

* * *

**The Joker and the Chocolate Factory  
****_Mike's Little Problem_**

* * *

"So, this is the TV Room?" Mike says excitedly, smiling for the first time ever on the trip.

"Uh, yeah," the Joker replies, taking on a girlish tone for a moment. "Like, _duh_?"

This makes everyone stop and stare at him for about the tenth time that day.

He just grins.

"It's this new thingie I'm working on," he goes on, motioning a rectangular white machine that looks somewhat like a camera. "It's a way to teleport candy to my customers."

He points to a platform directly in front of the camera. "I place a giant chocolate bar on that, shoot it with the camera, and--" he motions to a TV at the other end of the room--"it reappears there, all nice and tiny for someone to eat!"

But a scowl crosses Mike's face. "And you're using this for chocolate? You big idiot!"

Ooh, wrong words. The Joker's eyes brighten and he begins to lick his scars rapidly. Katfight and the others wisely back away. But Mike just sneers, "Don't you realize what you've DONE? You've created a triggin' teleporter, and you only want to use it for your dumb candy."

"Uh, I wouldn't--" Charlie begins.

"This is wack, man," Mike practically spits before, in a move as fast as lightning, he presses the button on the camera and hops on the platform just as he's hit.

Then, he's just..gone.

Everybody freaks. "Where'd he go?!"

"He--he uh, should be floating in itty bitty particles up there," says the Joker, pointing to the ceiling.

"WHAT?!" Katfight shrieks. "My gosh, Joker, do you realize how much our sorry butts could be sued if that kid dies?"

"You're worried about getting sued?" Charlie blinks at her.

"Uh..." she backtracks. "H-his death would be tragic, too."

"There he is!" the Joker yelps, and they both look over to see a tiny shape forming on the TV screen.

A small voice says, "See, man? This could SO be useful if you just--" Mike pauses as he realizes what's happened. "...Oh."

"What, you didn't hear the 'nice and tiny' part of my speech?" the Joker rolls his eyes. "THIS is why I'm using this thing on candy, little boy."

"Well...I--just send me back the other way!"

"Uh, can't!" the Joker sighs. "One way street."

Silence.

"Maybe...if someone took 'im to the taffy puller...he'll be okay?" the Joker guesses.

They all look at Katfight. She blanches when she realizes. "Ew, no! I'm not touching him. That's like picking up a black widow!"

"Hey!" little Mike shouts.

"But you're the assistant!" the Joker argues. "You're SUPPOSED to take him."

"Dude, I didn't even know this place existed until forty-five minutes ago!"

"Hey, guys!" the Scarecrow runs in. "What's going on?"

He yelps as Katfight flings her arms around his waist. "Oh, thank goon'ness."

"Personal space! PERSONAL SPACE!" the Scarecrow struggles.

"Yur just in time," the Joker purrs, quickly handing Mike over to him. "Take this...little...boy and set him up in the taffy puller, 'kay? Maybe it'll help."

"Er--wow," the Scarecrow blinks as he looks down at Mike. "How--?"

"Here's a map," the Joker hands him what looks like how to get to Belks. "Don't get lost."

And he shoves the Scarecrow out the door.

"Well..." the Joker looks at Charlie. "You're the only one left..."

Charlie jerks in surprise as he suddenly grabs his hand and shakes it wildly. "Congratulations, young man. You've WON!"

_Just to let you know, I hold nothing against emos..._


	7. Epilogue

_Finally...the LAST chapter! Whoo!_

_Enjoy!_

* * *

**_EPILOGUE_**

* * *

The night is still and quiet--perfect. He easily sneaks past the security cameras and the enormous rottweilers sleeping in front of the doors. He dives into one of the smoking pipes, using his cape to float safely all the way down into the factory. Once inside, he finds the bedroom and wakes the occupant sleeping in the bed.

"I want my Batmobile back, Joker!"

"AAAH!"

Nails scratch at his face and he looses his grip. He winces as a nearby light is turned on, then stiffens when he realizes he's looking down at a face much younger and smoother than any of the three villains'. "Who are _you_?"

"I'm--I'm Charlie," the boy blinks.

Batman looks around in confusion. "Doesn't the Joker and the other bad guys live here?"

Charlie cocks his head. "Um, no. They USED to, but when I won the contest, the Joker handed over this chocolate factory to me."

"But--where are they now?" Batman wants to know.

"What, them? They moved to England."

* * *

"I just don't understand you."

"Oh?" the Joker mutters, keeping his eyes closed.

"Do you gave to wear your make-up in the pool?" Katfight huffs, swimming alongside the bright yellow floatie the Joker is currently all comfy in.

"Uh, yeah?" the Joker grunts, pointing to his face. "This is my money maker, 'kay? I'm not the Joker if I'm not smiling."

"She has a point, though," the Scarecrow pipes us from his sunning chair. "I'm not so sure the pool filters can handle all that make-up, should it get whiped off."

"Relax!" the Joker giggles, sending an enormous splash his way. "This is a million dollar swimming pool. I'm sure these filters work fine."

"I got the popcorn and soda," Two Face says as he walks out the mansion--oh yeah, baby, MANSION. "But I don't understand why I couldn't just to the kitchen to get 'em?"

"Because now we can say this stuff is straight for the movie theatre!" Katfight says gleefully as she begins chowing down.

"I hardly believe a home theatre counts," Two Face pouts, looking very odd with only one half of his lips.

"Will you just start the movie?" the Joker whines. "We've been waiting all day."

Katfight smirks and presses the Play button. The enomormous TV set in the wall in front of them turns on, and all settle in as their favorite movie starts: _Beowulf_.

What? Three fourths of them are villains who love gore and blood. The fourth isn't a villain, but she likes gore and blood, too. In movies, anyway...

As Katfight sips her Pepsi, she can't help but smile at their luck. She had screamed and fought and just had fits when the Joker had handed her house over to Charlie. Oh, but then, when he'd revealed he'd investing money in a six-story mansion in England with tons of acres for them to enjoy themselves on--well, that was such a nice surprise, she actually didn't say anything for a full five minutes. Then there had been more screaming, but this time with jumping up and down and bonecrushing hugs.

So...here they were, enjoying a night in the pool watching a movie in their, as mentioned feverently before, MANSION! Yeah, baby, yeah!

...until the guys realized that they'd given Katfight Pepsi, which was full of sugar.

They know it when she suddenly pounces on the Joker's shoulders screaming, "Die, Grendel, DIE!" and is actually able to dunk him underwater. Minutes later he's chasing her around on the grass, roaring with raw fury. Katfight just smirks at him until she runs headfirst into a pole.

Yup. Nice, comfy family evening.


End file.
